


drowning.

by marciscaspar



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, Hopeful ending?, M/M, elu - Freeform, for fun, i guess i like sad things lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-18 21:20:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20645840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marciscaspar/pseuds/marciscaspar
Summary: Lucas’s feet don't touch the concrete as Eliotts do, so he decides to keep them against the wall, looking straight ahead as his body bends forward, slouching, with his elbows and forearms resting on his thighs. He doesn’t mean to make himself look so small and unapproachable, but he knows subconsciously that he wishes he was, at least, enough to discourage Eliott. He wants his whole body to scream “STOP! PLEASE! I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN!”“If you don’t know, then why did you come here?”But, instead, he assumes he screams “sure, why not” or else Eliott wouldn’t be here. Or maybe he did, and Eliott deliberately ignored it.--Eliott and Lucas broke up two years ago. It fucking sucks but Lucas never knew why.Now Eliott is telling him, trying to tell him, but he feels like hes drowning





	drowning.

**Author's Note:**

> late night drabbles while i was listening to let me down slowly by alec benjamin

“Do you remember it...at all?”

Eliott tilts his head to him, just a small movement, subtle like it isn’t even there. Lucas recognizes it still. 

“Yeah...I do.”

It is because he does. How could he not? To be quite honest with himself, Eliott is both the best and the worst thing that has happened to him. Even today, when the memories come back, he immediately drowns them with cheap liquor and a blunt that he stashes in his drawer, he smiles just for a second. It’s minuscule, but Lucas admitted to himself a long time ago that it happened, before scolding himself harshly. 

“I’m surprised you do.”

“Lucas…” He sounds as if he was stung, a hiss, an exhale. “ ...don’t. You know I—“

“What?” He doesn’t say it bitterly, not yet, he needs to restrain himself, but it interrupts Eliott's train of words. “You what?” 

Eliott curls into himself slightly, shoulders dropping, arms slouching, and he takes a moment to sway his legs, The heels of his shoes scrape against the concrete each time they move. In the dark of the night, where only a few cars pass by the street due to how late it is, the sound cuts through. Lucas decides it's better to focus on that rather than whatever Eliott is going to reopen, inevitably.

“...I don’t know.”

Lucas’s feet don't touch the concrete as Eliotts do, so he decides to keep them against the wall, looking straight ahead as his body bends forward, slouching, with his elbows and forearms resting on his thighs. He doesn’t mean to make himself look so small and unapproachable, but he knows subconsciously that he wishes he was, at least, enough to discourage Eliott. He wants his whole body to scream “STOP! PLEASE! I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN!”

“If you don’t know, then why did you come here?”

But, instead, he assumes he screams “sure, why not” or else Eliott wouldn’t be here. Or maybe he did, and Eliott deliberately ignored it. 

“...I wanted to see you.”

Lucas lets out a harsh chuckle, and he can’t decide if he is glad he reacted like that or not. From the corner of his eye, he could see Eliott flinch slightly, his face fell, and for a second, his heart stings. A single thump before it feels like it’s being filled with ink, slowing it down, pushing it to its restraint. But, then, he remembers how he felt two years ago, his heart beating with no rhythm, just loud and repetitive as if it doesn’t know when to stop because Lucas was so overwhelmed, emotional, broken and confused, and he decides that this is the lesser of two evils. He looks up slightly. 

“I don’t need your jokes, Eliott.”

“It wasn’t a joke, Lucas.” It’s breathy, but not the light kind, instead, it’s full of thought and emotion, and it reminds Lucas of the feeling of when you try to pull your feet out of the water quickly, the force of the world trying to keep your foot from moving. Newton’s Law or some bullshit. “I..really wanted to see you.” 

Lucas’ eyes close, they don’t squeeze, merely shut, and he feels himself inhale before keeping it there. He needs to choose his words carefully because right now he’s still treading through water, but there’s no light, it’s completely dark, and that force is still inhibiting his feet from moving, sluggish. 

“Okay...let's say you are.” He hears Eliott exhale sharply. “Then, why now? After two years, huh?”

“Because I missed you.” Lucas trips over a rock he didn’t notice, and he falls face-first into the shallow water, and he feels his chin hit the hard dirt, but there’s still enough water to cover his whole head, enough to abruptly go up to his nostrils.

“Should have fucking thought about that before you left.” He pushes the water out of his nose forcefully, thrusting himself up with his arms, and is panting when he finally does. Lucas’s jaw clenches, and he's sure Eliott can see the bone protruding from his skin, prominent, because he can feel Eliott stare at him, awaiting his reaction. “And, you know, go make out with your girlfriend. Are you even with her anymore?” He says the last part to both strike at Eliott and to divert the attention from his pain because he doesn’t need Eliott to pity him. He needs him to understand his mistakes, how much he fucked up, and how much he left Lucas fucked up. But, he doesn’t need pity. Doesn’t fucking want it. 

“I—we...broke up.”

“Of course.” He kicks the rock harshly, and he hears it tumble away from him, landing somewhere far away from him. The difference here is that Eliott is still near him, and Lucas can hear, and if he dares turn around see, everything Eliott feels, because it’s so easy. What he loved about Eliott is how he wears a lot of heart on his sleeve, not naively or childishly, but openly and warm. Now, then, it just stings worse. Sure, anti disinfectant is supposed to sting, but none of what Eliott had told him made him heal. It caused the wounds to appear in the first place. 

He stares at the street light to the right of them, a glowing orange-yellow, white in the middle, clashing with the black around it, fading as it gets farther and farther from its source. Before it would remind him of someone, so bright and alluring, but now it’s only blinding. 

“Lucas, what happened, it wasn’t—“

“Wasn’t what, Eliott? You didn’t leave me for her?” Lucas clenches his fingers around the ledge of the wall behind him, still leaning against his arms for support. He refuses to turn around. “You didn’t tell me you broke up with her, told her that you were with me, told me it was all too fast, and then kiss her? Then when I asked you why you said that we shouldn’t be together? Is that it?” The words became louder, sharper, bitter, vile, but he keeps them level, unwavering for the most part, but some of the words shake for a split second, and Lucas will probably beat himself up for it later. Right now, he’s too preoccupied with trying to contain his anger in his sharp exhales and his tight hold on the wall. 

He knows that Eliott is staring at him now, body facing him, boring into the side of his face, but he won’t turn around, he won’t give Eliott the satisfaction or relief of looking him in the eye. No, not now, not two years later after Lucas’s multiple attempts of rekindling or just understanding the faults. 

“Lucas, please look at me.” He sounds so weak, strained, and Lucas wouldn’t be surprised if he found tears in Eliott’s blue-grey eyes, but he isn’t looking. 

“Eliott, what the fuck are you even trying?” He can hear the faint sound of a car pulling up, it’s behind them, around the corner, and Lucas knows in a few moments it’ll pass them. 

“To talk to you, Lucas.”

“Well, shit. That sounds familiar.” It’s sarcasm, in the driest and most bitter form, and it cuts through Eliott, another wince slipping its way through his lips. Lucas is starting to care less and less about them. “And how’s that working for you, man?”

Eliott stops in the middle of a breath, taking in the formality. “...not good.”

“Wow, I can relate. Although, it’s been a while and I’ve kind of gotten over it. And him. But, fuck, it sucks, right?” 

The car passes by, and Lucas turns his head. “Fucking stings, even.” 

The headlights of the car shine in the direction of the road, but it’s residual light highlights Eliott’s face, his wide and strained eyes, tears forming at the corners, mouth slightly agape, and Lucas is sure that he doesn’t look too different, except his come from a burning anger, fury, because fuck it, if Eliott wants to see him and talk, he’s going to look him in the eye and talk.

“Actually, it was the goddamn worst feeling in the world, you know. Because here I was sixteen, in love for the first time, and I thought, like a complete dumbass that you would be the one. You would make me happy and that you would protect me.”

The car passes the street corner, and another one speeds past them, a deafening zoom protruding Lucas’s ears. 

“But, I guess I was fucking wrong. To trust you. To believe that you loved me.” Lucas is stomping the ground, water splashing around him, and he’s kicking it, the sound of the water violent and deafening almost, and he’s grasping rocks and flinging them in random directions, any which way. He can’t see, it’s dark, but he is still moving, attacking, making a point.

“Worst goddamn decision in my life.” 

Oddly, Eliott is silent, frozen, and Lucas turns back to face the buildings across from them, leaning against his arms, and tilting his head back. He exhales into the cold air, a cloud forming over him of his hot breath and the atmosphere around him. 

Eliott hasn’t said anything yet. 

“...you don’t mean that.” 

Maybe he doesn’t. 

Truthfully, he doesn’t. 

“Still fucking hurts though.”

No cars come after that, the street returning to its melancholy, dark atmosphere. Lucas stops kicking the water, his clothes all wet, and he rests for a bit, panting, tired, and he waits for the dark creek to respond. 

“I’m sorry.”

“....that’s it?” 

He looks over at Eliott, eyes wide and eyebrows knit. He expects more, but all he sees is Eliott looking down at his lap, fiddling with the rings on his fingers. He can only see the outline of his rings, and maybe just the faintest sheen of them, but it’s mostly covered by the downcast of Eliott’s face and hair. 

“I’m sorry, Lucas.” Eliott’s voice chokes, and Lucas doesn’t want to deal with another downpour. But, he doesn’t say anything, looking at Eliott in silence. “I—but I had to.”

That, that is unexpected. 

“What?” He whispers this, scandalized, confused, and surprised. “Had to do what?”

Eliott continues to fiddle with his rings, not looking up at Lucas. 

“To keep you away from me?” Lucas is ready to kick the ground again, punch the air, but he just holds his stance, maintaining his temper.

“Keep me away from what?”

There is an uncertainty in Eliott’s pause in motion, his sudden pause in movement, almost as if he’s looking through his array of options, debating if this is really worth it. The thing is, Lucas doesn’t know what it is, and he wants Eliott to tell him. 

“...from my craziness.” Lucas eyebrows instantly scrunch up.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, no, stop fucking apologizing to me Eliott and tell me just what.” His body turns towards him now, left leg bent at the knee so that he can look him in the eye, and he is trying to pull and reveal answers because what the actual living fuck is Eliott talking about. He’s spinning in the pond, sluggish feet dragging in the motion of his turns, and his eyes are abruptly opening and closing, trying to make sense of what is actually around him. The pond won’t give in. “Keep me away from what, Eliott.”

“You said..” he sniffles. “..that you don’t need crazy people in your life.” Eliott looks up abruptly. “That you don’t need people like me in your life to hurt you.” Lucas can see Eliott fight with himself, fight with his mind, his words, and if it wasn’t for the years of distance and current levels of confusion and anger, he would hold him. “Crazy people.”

“...what are you implying?” Lucas doesn’t know what to make of it, because he is sure that there is a connection, an implication, but everything is murky, and Lucas can’t make sense of what is being presented. 

Eliott exhales once more, looks out to the street and buildings Lucas was looking at not so long ago, and then opens his mouth, and at that second, Lucas submerges into the water. The pond becomes an ocean, salty and stinging, and the ground that Lucas had before was gone, it simply disappeared, and now Lucas is underwater.

“I’m bipolar, Lucas.”

For some reason, he can’t swim or hold his breath.

“And I didn’t want you to deal with that.”

He can see in the water. Compared to the pond he was treading, there is light in this water, its a neon blue, and it’s now just him. No fish, no creatures, just Lucas frantically trying to maintain a breath while his limbs move around slowly, pushing through the water. 

“You’re...bipolar.” 

“...yes.” And he can see it in Eliott’s eyes, even though Eliott isn’t looking at him, the shame so prevalent and clear. He doesn’t look at him just yet. “And I didn’t want to hurt you with it. I wanted to protect you. Because I’ll hurt you.”

He looks down at his lap. “I knew I would eventually.”

Another car is passing behind them, around the corner, but Lucas tunes it out, instead, staring at Eliott, wide-eyed, the wind punched out of his lungs. He’s underwater, thrashing, and his lungs sting from the lack of oxygen. 

He looks up from the water, eyes burning from the salt, and sees it. He sees a figure, bright, illuminating, hovering over Lucas, yet he’s in the air, and Lucas knows that if he reaches in, he can grab Lucas and pull him out. 

But, he doesn’t. 

“You did.” Eliott’s eyes clench close, nodding his head.

“It’s something I can’t change about myself. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“No.” Eliott’s head open suddenly, and he’s boring into Lucas confused, and this time, Lucas stares back, intense. “I don’t give a shit about that, Eliott. But what makes you think that I did?”

Eliott looks confused, unsure, a fish out of water gasping for breath. He doesn’t know what to do, but Lucas doesn’t allow him to ask.

“What made you think that was your decision to make?” 

Lucas kicks his legs up, arms splashing around the water, and he screams, mouth wide and stretched, and he can see the bubbles float up to the top of the water, to the being hovering above it. It does nothing.

“I—“

“I get it, I do. But that wasn’t your goddamn decision to make. It was mine.” His voice is harsh and it’s almost as if he’s poking Eliott’s chest with his every word, pushing him, trying to throw his thoughts at him. 

“Lucas—“

“You didn’t ask,” He gets up abruptly, the sound of the bottom of his shoes hitting the concrete a harsh slap. Eliott’s hands dart out towards Lucas, almost as if to catch him, but he stops midway, reassessing himself before pulling back, looking at Lucas with wide-eyes. “Didn’t ask if I cared. Didn’t ask my opinion. You just,” he stuffs his hands in his jacket pockets roughly and stares Eliott dead in the eyes. The being isn’t moving closer to him, and if Lucas is going to drown, he is going to make sure it feels the pain of drowning as well, “Made it for me.”

Eliott looks like he’s fumbling for his words, trying to grasp for something, anything, but Lucas cuts him off. “That wasn’t your decision to make, Eliott.”

“Lucas—“ the car zooms past them, and Lucas wonders what took it so long. 

“I need to think, dude.” Lucas exhales and looks forwards, away from Eliott, and away from the wall, away from whatever accident had just occurred between them “I can’t do this right now. Give me time.”

“...time?” Eliott sounds wounded, out of breath, as if he had just ran a marathon, yet hopeful. Lucas lets him.

“Yeah, time.”

“I can do that.”

He lets himself sink, but for a split second, before he closes his eyes, the hand of the being sticks into the water. 

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are always appreciated! i hope all of you have a good day! salut les gars!


End file.
